Derby Day!

We went to the demolition derby. It was fun but really loud. I was grateful Ryker didn't come.  It's probably good from me to get out sometimes, but to be honest I am such a home body.  Which is crazy because I didn't use to be like that. I love just being home. It's my comfort area I guess. It's where I fit. Parker brought up that maybe it's because Ryker can't be with us due to his problems.  I started to cry because I think that has a lot to do with it. It's still really hard for me to see families with normal kids.  I know that Ryker will be okay. But the problem is that most of the time I am not okay with it.  I hate to admit but it's hard to see Parker's siblings with their normal kids. It's difficult knowing that will never be Ryker. He will always be special and always need something. Hospitals will always be our norm even if his breathing does get better. There will be something else. He has a syndrome that will prevent him from being normal.

All the emotions from last year have been flooding my mind the last couple of weeks. This isn't how my life is suppose to be and it's hard to accept it sometimes. I just keep going because that's what you do. I love Ryker but I hate his syndrome. I have to do my best to make the most out of our situation. This is what is meant to be.  Most of the time I feel like I can't be the mom that Ryker needs. I am just Jessica Julian. The crazy red head who got into trouble, played softball, and stayed out all night. How can I do this, but some how it just gets done. I have the strength everyday to get it done. Most of the time I know that strength doesn't come from me.

There are often times when I feel like no one understands what's it like being a parent of a kid with special needs until you have a kid with special needs. Not grandparents or uncles, aunts, no one unless you are the parent. It's hard to fit in sometimes. Normal families have normal problems. Everyday family situations, but parents with kids with special needs it's different. Life is different. Experiences are different. Being a home body  is sometime the safe way out and easier way of life. It's hard to know where your place is. I don't know where I fit now. Family functions are different. I don't fit there most of the time.  Family tries to understand and most of the time pretend to get it, but I know deep down they don't. Normal families with my abnormal life makes it hard to mesh together. I like living in my own bubble. My own world because that is normal for me until I get out and realize what is normal. It's hard to accept that's why staying home is better because that is where I fit that's where I feel comfortable.

I know it's good for me to get out and have a normal life, but who needs normal when you have Ryker Delano Allen. His normal is my normal. I just accept it. Sometimes I don't like it, but I accept it.