A week later and more on our plate!!

Well this last week has been a tearful one. We are officially homeless. We found out last week that our house fell through. The appraisal came in lower than expected and the seller didn't want to go down on his price. So we are on a house hunt again. We have felt really lost this last week. Thinking Heavenly Father wanted you in one place and didn't work out makes you wonder if you are really receiving revelation.  I have cried more the last week then I have in a long time. For some reason we just need to be tried a little longer. Not sure what I am suppose to learn from this, but feeling very lost is not a great feeling. Maybe I am trying hard to control my life and not let Heavenly Father do it for me. I am still learning to let him lead me. I am pretty stubborn though so sometimes I just don't get it I guess. Ha. I think it was more that I didn't have a place to call my own and a house to raise little Ryker that made me more sad than anything.

After thinking about an impression we both had back in December that we are suppose to be in this area we put an application for an apartment up here in Clearfield, just so we didn't have to change all of Ryker's therapist until we knew where we were suppose to be. We did get the apartment, but we were feeling like it wasn't what we needed to do so we told the owners we changed our minds. We are feeling more that we need to stay in this ward more than anything. I am just ready to move out and move on, but something is just stopping just from doing that. We feel we have hit a spiritual road block. Not knowing what to do  is pretty much the worst feeling. I often wonder am I not doing enough to receive revelation. Am I not going to church enough to feel the spirit. What has changed that it's making it so I don't really feel the spirit as strong as I have before.  I have drawn away from Heavenly Father the last couple of weeks so maybe that's what it is. I am feeling very burdened and overloaded and very lost. I have decided to take stuff off my plate. After this semester of school, I am taking a break. I told Parker he needs to use his inspiration to find us a house because I just can't do it right now. I am slowing trying to get things falling off my plate, I need to remember that I can't do everything and I definitely can't do everything perfectly.

Well after much spiritual fine tuning, I have come to the conclusion that I am just giving it to the Lord. I can't do it anymore. I have been trying and trying to make things work. I am realizing my life will never be like it was before all the crazy life changes have happened. It's time to grow up spiritually and accept the cards I have been dealt. Once I came to this realization, I have felt much better about myself and my situation. I can't just sit and be sad all day everyday. I can't say poor me anymore! It's time to really move on. My cousin told me on Monday, Life is hard then we die mine as well have fun. I am going to live that from now on. Yes I am not ok with being a special needs mom anymore, I am not ok with living in Utah, I am not ok with all the doctor appointments and therapist, and I am not ok with living in Clearfield, but I accept it. It's my life and I guess this is what Heavenly Father wants me to do so I need to stop fighting against it. I will learn something from it, not sure what it is yet, but I will am I sure. And some day I might even like it here in Clearfield, Utah with all the doctors and therapists. Maybe.... Let's not get too hasty!

Well that is all for this week. Here are the pictures I feel like I promised last week, but never posted. Have a super great week yourselves!

Wow! its been a month.

Time has really flown this last month. With the crazy weather warm one day snowy the next. Utah is sure a crazy state when it comes to weather. Ryker has been very busy with therapy. We have had vision therapy, occupational therapy, physical therapy, and massage therapy. Early intervention has been great coming to the house and getting him moving around. I have seen so much progress with little man. He is wiggling around tons now, lifting his legs trying to roll over. He has grown two and a half inches in length and is finally 12lbs. He is growing out of all the little new born clothes and in big boy clothes now. It's so cute to see him developing into a little person. Parker and I have talked about sometimes it's sad not to see him on the same level as other babies, but at least he is growing. We went to the geneticist today and found out that not only does Ryker have trisomy 9p but a partial trisomy 9q. We don't know how it will effect him, but there is no other cases with the same gene makeup as him so once again he is our little mystery.
Our house is another story. We were suppose to move in this weekend, but something went wrong with the appraisal so we won't be moving in for two more weeks maybe. So we might be stuck with the T's for a while longer. If this doesn't work out with the house we will be looking for a rental. I am sick of not having my own space.
Life has been crazy. My mom is being released from rehab today. I feel bad because I am not able to help her like I wish I could. I don't know what she will do when Josh moves out. Sadie and him have been amazing. I am truly grateful for them. They have been a saving grace. I don't know what we would do without him.
The last couple of weeks have been stressful. I even had a nervous breakdown. I had to get away for a while. I went and saw my mom at the rehab center. She told me Heavenly Father didn't send Ryker to my family to break us up. I was a little amazed my mom would say that. She isn't a very religious person, but it out my heart and mind back into perspective. I know Heavenly Father wants me to do this, but more often then not I feel I can't do it. If Ryker was a normal baby with normal baby problems that would be different. But it's the normal baby problems plus the doctor appointments and the therapy and the gtube and the oxygen and all the trisomy 9 problems that come with little Ryker that is hard to handle. I am not perfect but I am trying. I just wish life would get easier at some point. I am finally realizing this is how it's going to be the rest of my life. It's not going to vhange. Sometimes I feel it's not going to get better. And that's where I am right now. I know things will eventually get better, but I am sick of being a special needs mom already. But I know that's what , I am suppose to do so I just keep going. I love Ryker too much to quit!
Many of you might be wondering how school is going. Well I am still trudging through it. My grades aren't up to my Jessica standards, but it's ok. I am taking a summer break just to get somethings off my plate. But I will be going back in the fall. Got to get it done and all. It will be nice to say I am a master graduate. Well folks that enough for now. Hopefully it won't be a month before I write again. I will try to do better. Loves!!!